For His Family
by Callie Anaka
Summary: After Khan has faced judgement for his actions and is free, Kirk offers him a second chance and the compassion he needs. But can something so good last? Kirk/Khan in later chapters.
1. Introduction

It was quite late when Kirk found Dr. McCoy at his door. "Bones, it's almost midnight, can't it wait?" The doctor only shook his head. _Why's he look so nervous? _Kirk thought. "Here, come in." He opened the door, allowing McCoy inside before shutting it and following him.

He watched as the doctor sat down and looked up at him. "Jim, he's free." The words hit Kirk hard, like a punch. He could feel his heart begin to race. "By the end of this week, he's going to be out of there. You know what that means, don't you?" Kirk tried to hide the shock he felt, but his voice, so quiet when he spoke, made it quite obvious.

"But...it's only been 3 years. They can't really be done with the experiments yet, can they?"

"I know, that's what I thought too." The doctor hesitated before he spoke again. "You remember what you told him, don't you?" Kirk nodded slowly, thinking back to the day of Khan's trial. "Jim, I'm sure he remembers too." McCoy shook his head and covered his face with his hands. "My god, he's going to be living with you, Jim. Were you absolutely out of your mind when he agreed to that?" Kirk only sighed. What had come over him that day? "You can't let this happen. You know what he's capable of, what he's done."

_Why had I decided to let him stay with me?_ For a moment Kirk thought, then remembered. "Yes, but he's also capable of good, I know he is."

The doctor's expression quickly changed from one of concern to anger. "Damn it, Jim, what could make you think that. I mean, we're talking about the man who killed you."

"He loves his family."

"That doesn't give him the right to take out half of San Francisco!"

"I know that, but I can't say I wouldn't have done the same." At this, the doctor almost laughed.

"You actually want me to believe you would do that?"

"Look, I don't know, I probably wouldn't but that doesn't mean I can't relate. Bones, I would kill to protect you, or Uhura, or Spock. His actions were wrong, trust me, I know that, but that doesn't mean the reasons behind those actions were."

McCoy sighed again and looked up Kirk. The anger was gone from his voice. "Jim, I'm worried about you. If you want to help him, do what's best for him, then fine. Just please, be careful."

Kirk smiled. "I will, I promise." The doctor stood up and walked to the door, stopping to rest a hand on the captain's shoulder and quickly saying goodnight before leaving.

Alone, Kirk was left to his thoughts. His mind seemed to be racing and he found himself overwhelmed with memories of the pain and destruction, of his own death, all that one man had caused. _The man I'm going to be living with, caring for..._ The thought made him feel sick. Was he really worth saving, capable of something, or was Kirk simply lying to himself, desperate to find a reason for his kindness towards Khan?

He shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts and calm himself. Khan was going to be free soon, he could not stop it, so he tried to accept it. After all, what else could he really do?

Kirk awoke early the next morning after a night of restless sleep. Khan had found his way into his dreams and he had again experienced the terrible nightmares that had haunted him for weeks even after Khan had been locked away. Every time he shut his eyes, he could see Spock on the other side of the glass, could hear him perfectly. _"Because you are my friend..."_ He could remember the feeling of falling into the emptiness of death, of fading into nothing. If simply hearing Khan was free could do this to him, would he really be able to live with him? Would he really be able to put up with that man's arrogance and anger?

Kirk hated the idea, regretted ever suggesting it, but now he couldn't just turn Khan away. He had promised him, and he refused to break that promise. No matter how badly he wanted not to, he would have to accept Khan into his life.

Kirk quickly showered and changed clothes, then left for the science facility where Khan was being held.

•••

Kirk was growing nervous as he waited for them to bring Khan out. _What have I gotten myself into?_When he finally saw him, Kirk was shocked but tried to remain expressionless as Khan walked closer, then stopped infront of him.

Khan was dressed in similar black clothing as when he had been a prisoner aboard the Enterprise, but he looked quite different from the last time Kirk had seen him. His hair was shorter and no longer fell infront of his eyes, and he was considerably thinner, sharp bones visible even under his clothes. _He looks so...sick._ He no longer stood so straight, but instead leaned forward slightly, and his eyes, once so bright, now seemed dull. The superiority he once projected had disappeared. Could so much really have changed in just 3 years?

Kirk couldn't decided whether he was more relieved or sad about the change. Certainly this Khan would be easier to deal with, now that he had been broken, but it just didn't seem right. Once Khan spoke, though, he was certain that he was sad for him.

"Kirk..." Khan began to say, then took the captain's hand in his own. Everything about him seemed to have changed. Weakness had replaced the arrogance, the anger, the greatness. Their eyes met briefly before Khan looked down, trying not to let Kirk see him cry. His body shook slightly as he hesitantly wrapped his arms around Kirk and pulled him close, resting his head on Kirk's shoulder. The captain did the same and carefully ran his hands over the other man's back, feeling only bones where muscle had once been. "Thank you."


	2. New Start

The trip back to Kirk's small San Francisco home was, for the most part, silent. Whenever Kirk would look over, Khan would be staring out at nothing in particular, not seeming to take any of his surroundings in. A few times Kirk had seen Khan watching him, but his face showed no emotion. He seemed all but dead. When they arrived at Kirk's home, Khan didn't move, but instead remained lost in thought.

"Khan?" Kirk spoke softly but still managed to startle him. "Come on, we're here." When he finally did move, he walked slowly and nearly jumped when Kirk took his hand. "Here, come inside." He allowed Kirk to lead him into the house, something the captain found strange. _But, clearly, he's not the same. _"We'll only be here for few more days, then we're going back to the Enterprise..." Khan finally looked up, "so that we can begin our 5 year mission, which it looks like you're going to be a part of." Khan only nodded his head, and Kirk was beginning to worry. _What had they done to him?_

The door closed behind them and Kirk let go of Khan's hand, allowing him to look around the house. He walked around, studying his new surroundings, then returned to Kirk.

"May I go outside?"

"Of course, you can go anywhere you want. You're free now." Khan smirked and turned away from Kirk. _I certainly don't feel free._ And in a way, he truly wasn't. His memories had him trapped, they controlled his every thought. _Will it always be this way? _

He could feel the captain's eyes on him, so he left and went out to the deck overlooking the water. It was hot out today, and the warm weather reminded of his home, of his former life. How he missed that and what he had been. _Someone I'll never be again._ He sighed and sat down, pulling his legs up against his chest and wrapping his arms around them, then rested his head on his knees. As soon as his eyes closed, he may as well been back at the science facility. He was again cut off from the real world. A familiar loneliness filled him and he forgot about Kirk, about where he was. The pain took over and he was gone, lost in his mind.

•••

A light touch from Kirk brought him out of his thoughts. _When had it gotten so dark?_ The sun had already set and the air was growing cold, Khan too, besides where Kirk's hand rested.

"It's getting late, you've been out here all day. Want to come inside now?" Khan straightened his long legs then pushed himself up, Kirk taking his hand to help. They walked inside and Kirk turned to face him. "You want something to eat?" Khan only shook his head. "Are you sure, you should really have something."

"Thank you for your concern, Captain, but I am fine. Where will I be sleeping?"

"You can have my bed."

"I really can't take your bed."

"Please, I insist. And it'll only be for a couple nights." Khan nodded. "Here, you look tired," Kirk said and led him to the bedroom and watched as Khan sat down on the edge of his bed. "Do you need anything?" Khan shook his head and the captain turned to leave, but stopped when he felt Khan's hand wrap around his wrist.

Khan hesitated before he spoke, unsure of exactly how to say it, but he knew he needed to. "Kirk, you must know that...I am sorry. For everything. For your ship, and your crew, and your friend, Captain Pike. Even for my weakness now. I am sorry."

Kirk wasn't sure of how to respond, but he couldn't stop himself from smiling. "Thank you, Khan." He sat down on the bed next to him. "I forgive you." Khan looked confused.

"But, why? How can you forgive me for what I've done?"

"Because, even though what you did was wrong, the reason behind it wasn't. I understand why you did all that, and I'm sure if I ever thought I'd lost everything, well I'd certainly want to make it right." He looked over at Khan and their eyes met. "We're more similar that I was comfortable admitting, at first."

"No, Kirk, we were similar, but not anymore. I am nothing now." Khan looked away. "Do you know why I was released so early?"

"Well, I assumed it was because the testing was over, that they figured out what ever it is that makes your cells regenerate the way they do."

"No. People were beginning to look into my treatment, they were becoming suspicious about my change, why I was becoming so weak. What they did to me there was not something your Starfleet would be proud of. They had to stop people from asking questions, so they set me free. But Kirk, I am not free yet. Had I known what awaited me, I would have gladly chosen death."

Kirk thought about this for a moment. Could it really have been that bad? Is this what Starfleet was becoming? "What do you mean you're not free?"

"Every time I close my eyes, I am back there. The pain I feel when I remember it..."

"You know, I had that for a while too, after I died." Again Khan looked up at him. "Don't worry, it get's easier after awhile."

"How long did it take for you?"

Kirk sighed. "Months, but I still have dreams about it sometimes. The memories are always there, you just get used to them, replace them with other things, I guess. They become less painful, but they'll never be gone. I'm sorry you have them too."

"Captain, I did not tell you this for your sympathy, but so you understand why I am now so weak."

"And I do understand, but I also care about you. I don't even know why I care so much, but I do. I don't want to see you suffer anymore. It won't change what happened." Kirk took Khan's hand. "I'm worried about you." The concept of someone caring for him was so strange to Khan, the feeling so foreign. "Someday, despite all we've been through, I hope to be able to call you my friend."

"I hope for that, too, Kirk." The captain smiled at him.

"Good. Well, I'll let you sleep now. Don't be afraid to wake me up if you need anything, alright?" Khan nodded and smiled back at him. "Goodnight." Kirk left him alone and Khan laid down in Kirk's bed.

_Kirk, my friend..._Khan closed his eyes, relieved to find the darkness and silence were no longer so frightening now that he was not so alone. He could hear Kirk's words, _"Don't worry, it gets easier after a while..."_. He could see him smile, and he was finally comfortable.

For the first time in years, Khan was glad to be alive.


	3. Closer

"Good morning," Kirk said to a sleepy Khan as he collected his clothes. Khan only smiled up at him from their bed. "I've got to be going in a few minutes, have a meeting to attend. Dr. McCoy wants to see you, so stop by sickbay sometime today, alright?" He returned to the bathroom to change as Khan sat up and stretched, still tired. Kirk quickly returned to the bedroom, dressed in his uniform. "The meeting shouldn't last too long, I'll be back early," he said as he slipped on his boots, then turned to say goodbye to Khan.

Once Kirk left, Khan sighed. He always missed the captain when he left for work. As much as he hated to admit it, he had grown strangely dependent on Kirk in these last few months. Whenever he was present, Khan felt...happy, at peace. Since there was no hope of waking up his crew, Kirk had become his family. Their friendship is what had saved Khan. He loved Kirk more than anything.

Khan stood up and quickly dressed before leaving to see the doctor. He walked slowly, allowing himself to take in his surroundings as he made his way through the ship, smiling at the people he knew. Most of the crew knew who he was, remembered what he had done, but had accepted him after Kirk had made it very clear that it was important that they do. It had taken time, but some of them even seemed to like him now.

Once Khan entered sickbay, the doctor smiled and greeted him. "Khan, good, Jim remembered to tell you. Here, come and sit down. Well, you look better than the last time I saw you." Khan thought back to a few months ago, remembering how weak he'd been. "How are you feeling?"

"Quite well." The doctor smiled and began to run various tests.

"No more flashbacks, nightmares?" Khan hesitated slightly before shaking his head. "Are you sure?"

Khan sighed. "I don't get them very often, but the memories are still there." Dr. McCoy nodded and quickly finished his exam.

"You're still too thin. You're eating, right?" Khan nodded. "Ok, well everything else looks good. You're free to go." Khan stood up and left sickbay, slowly making his way back to his room. Once there, there was very little for him to do but wait for Kirk to return, so he tried to sleep.

•••

Kirk was relieved when his meeting with the admiral was finally over. He'd never cared much for her. He sighed then smiled as he walked. Now they would be continuing into unexplored space. When he returned to his room, after quickly searching he found Khan asleep. _Probably hasn't moved all day. _He sat down on their bed next to him, lightly touching his shoulder.

"Khan..." He felt him move slightly before he opened his eyes and stared up at the captain. "Come on, get up. It's getting late." Khan quickly got out of bed and followed Kirk into the next room. "I've got to go talk to Spock, do you want to come?"

"Couldn't you use your communicator?"

"Yes, but I've been sitting all day, it'd be nice to walk. And I figured, you've never been on the bridge before, maybe you'd like to see it?"

"Of course."

"Here," Kirk said, pulling Khan forward and pushing his messy hair back into place. Khan tried to not look too surprised at the touch. "Ok, better, let's go." He left and walked quickly with Khan following at his side. Once they arrived on the bridge, Spock greeted them, but appeared rather confused at Khan's presence.

"Captain, Khan," he said, raising an eyebrow.

"Go ahead and look around, I'll only be a minute," Kirk said then began speaking to Spock. Khan walked around slowly, studying the crew members and the display screens they were focused on, but stopped when he saw a woman he recognized. _The one who had stunned me during my fight with Spock. _He approached her and once she saw him, recognizing him instantly, she turned to face him.

"Khan." Her voice was filled with hate. _Understandable._

"Lieutenant," He said calmly, trying to surpress his own anger.

"What are you doing here?"

"The captain invited me to join him, but not to worry. I will not stay for long." He smiled at her, then felt Kirk's hand on his shoulder.

"Khan, come on..." Kirk stopped when he noticed Uhura glaring at him. "Everything alright?" She looked away from Khan and smiled at the captain, nodding. "Good, now let's go." Kirk and Khan left for their room.

•••

"You must not even be tired," Kirk said, closing his eyes and smiling as he felt Khan get into bed next to him.

"I'm not."Khan watched the captain as his breathing slowed.Kirk was tired and nearly asleep when he felt Khan's hand on his arm. "Jim..." Kirk opened his eyes and turned on his side to face Khan. Their eyes met, but Khan quickly looked away.

"Something wrong?"

"No... I'm just so glad I have you. You saved me."He looked back up at Kirk. "I can not thank you enough for all you have done for me. When I am with you, the loneliness, the pain, the anger I normally feel, it's all gone."

"You still have nightmares, though."

"But when I wake up, you're always there. Jim, I was so alone, but now I have you, and that makes up for everything." Kirk thought about what he said for a moment, then smiled, taking Khan's hand.

"I promise you, you'll never be alone again."


	4. Escape

Khan found himself awake early, hours before Kirk left for work. For the first time in weeks, Admiral Marcus had been in his dreams. The anger and pain he felt made him shake, made him feel like he was spinning. He covered his face with his hands, trying desperately not to cry, _not again_. He hated being so weak, having so little control over himself. Despite his attempts to focus on something else, his eyes became watery and his vision blurred. He allowed himself to cry in silence, trying not to wake Kirk.

When the tears finally did stop, he wiped his eyes and turned to look at the captain, still asleep next to him. The pain was gone now, replaced by a familiar emptiness. Watching Kirk, seeing how relaxed he was made Khan relax, too. He moved closer to the captain. After a moment, he let his eyes close again and was soon asleep.

•••

When Kirk woke up, he wasn't too surprised to find Khan still asleep, nearly laying up against him. He'd grown strangely accustomed to the closeness; it didn't bother him. He smiled as he got out of bed, quietly getting dressed. Once in his uniform, he looked back over, seeing Khan was now awake. Their eyes met and Kirk stopped smiling.

"Your eyes are still red. Bad dream?" Khan nodded. "I'm sorry. Want to talk about it? I can be late today."

"No, I'm fine now," Khan said, too quietly. Kirk sighed. He always hated leaving him when he was upset.

"Are you sure?" Khan nodded again. "Alright, well come get me if you're not. I'll see you later." Kirk quickly left their room. He was worried about Khan, he always was. Thinking back to what he had said last night, promising Khan he'd never be alone again, made Kirk wonder. _What would he do without me? _

Arriving on the bridge, Kirk turned his attention to the planet they were studying.

•••

Khan was surprised when, a few hours after the captain left, the door to their room opened and Kirk walked in.

"Jim, you're back early. Work over already?"

"No, we're beaming down to a planet, thought you'd want to come with with us."

"Of course."

"Good, I figured it'd be nice for you to get to walk around a bit. We're leaving in a few minutes. I suggest you put on something to keep warm," Kirk said, pulling on a coat. Khan quickly got up and changed. Once he was dressed, they left for the transporter room.

Soon, the Enterprise faded away and the landscape of the planet came into sight. The away team looked around at the surrounding mountains, then up at the falling snow.

"Khan, I've got to talk to Spock for a minute. Wait here, alright, there's something I want to show you when I'm done." Kirk left and Khan continued to look around.

"Captain," Spock said, raising an eyebrow as Kirk approached him. "You brought Khan?"

"Oh, relax Spock. He doesn't really have anything to do on the Enterprise, he's just stuck in our room all day. Besides, I wanted to show him something. Now, what can you tell me about the planet?"

"It seems fit to become a Federation colony. Reasonable weather, adequate vegetation to support life, no dangerous animals found in this area, but Captain, some of the plant life is poisonous. Be careful."

"Don't worry, I won't touch anything. I'll be with Khan, alright?" Kirk picked up a flashlight and returned to his friend. He came up next to him and brushed the snow out of his black hair, making him jump. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Come on, there's a cave over there, let's go look." With Khan following close behind, Kirk lead the way.

Once they were in the cave, Kirk turned on the light, shining it into the dark. The walls were covered in colorful, cactus-like plants and glowing eyes from small animals. The ground was covered in sharp rocks.

"Spock said some of the plants are poisonous, so be careful not to touch anything." They walked slowly. After a few minutes of silence, Kirk spoke. "Are you alright? You've been so quiet, and I know you said you're fine, but I'm worried about you."

"I am fine now, really. I still miss my crew, Jim. But, it doesn't hurt as much now that I have you." Kirk looked up and smiled at Khan, who quickly looked away.

Kirk, still looking at Khan, failed to see the the rock infront of him and tripped, falling against the plants on the wall. He cried out in pain as sharp leaves and spikes tore into his skin. Khan quickly lifted him back to his feet, picking up the light and shining it on the captain.

"Fuck, that hurt."

"Jim, you're bleeding." Kirk ran his hand over the cuts on his arm and leg.

"Let's get out of here." They walked quickly until they were almost outside the cave when Kirk tripped again. "I can't feel my legs." The lower half of his body was numb and it was continuing to spread. Khan picked the captain up, and Kirk wrapped his arms around him, resting his head on Khan's shoulder. Everything was becoming blurry.

Once outside, Spock saw them and ran over. "Khan..."

"Get a doctor." Spock ran back to the away team to get help. Khan fell to his knees, carefully setting Kirk on the ground. He took the captain's hand and their eyes met. The numbness was turning to paralysis.

"I can't move." Kirk could feel his heart slowing. He knew he didn't have much time. "Khan, I'm scared. I don't want to do this again, I want to stay with you." _Please, please don't make me leave him._ "I don't want to break my promise to you." _What will you do when I'm gone?_

"Jim," Khan said, beginning to cry as he moved closer. _Please don't leave me._ He couldn't lose Kirk. He was all he had left, all that mattered to him. Terror filled him as he watched his friend, helpless to stop his pain, unable to save him. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Please don't ever forget how much I love you." Kirk whispered, studying Khan's face, making sure his friend was the last thing he'd ever see, then he let his eyes close. "I'm sorry I'm not going to be there for you." He barely felt Khan pull him back into his arms and hold him close. The last of his strength left him, and for the second time, Kirk welcomed death as an escape from the pain.


	5. Alone

**I was very depressed when I wrote this, so it's sad. And I'm really sorry it took me so long to write this. I didn't like what I was originally planning, so I had to re-write this chapter. The next will be longer (and hopefully not so depressing). I'd really appreciate reviews.**

It had been one week since Kirk had died, since Khan's blood had saved him, and since he'd gone into a coma, but to Khan, it felt like years. He'd not seen Kirk since that day. Until now, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. _Seeing him like that makes it real, means this is really happening. _Khan had tried to deny it at first. Now, he had come to accept it. _Jim's asleep, he'll probably never wake up, and there's nothing I can do. _He couldn't stand being unable to help, having to watch the man he loves more than anyone else die.

_I have to see him._ Khan opened his eyes and rolled onto his side, looking over to where Kirk should be in their bed. Again he felt an all too familiar loneliness, the same pain he had felt many months ago. It was devastating knowing Kirk could die at any moment, that any breath could be his last.Kirk had given Khan's life a purpose. Now he couldn't help but wonder, w_hat will I do without him? _What reason did he have to get up in the mornings now? He was barely alive and becoming more and more hopeless. Everyday Kirk remained asleep, him waking up became less likely. _How long before it's time to let go? _He shook his head, trying to not think about that. It wouldn't help.

Khan missed the closeness, missed having the captain be the first and last thing he saw everyday. He hated being alone, but most of all, he hated knowing Kirk's life would be wasted sleeping. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't. _It's not time for that. Not yet. He's still alive, there's still a chance he'll wake up. _After a moment he's able to sit up, then slowly get out of bed.

It took him longer than usual to shower and get dressed, as if moving was painful. But in a way it was. Everything hurt when he was alone. Everything was too difficult. When he was finally dressed, he left for sickbay. Once there, he was greeted by McCoy, who gave him a quick, sad smile before leading Khan over to Kirk's bed. Khan took Kirk's wrist and felt for a pulse, just to be sure he really was still alive. Looking away from Kirk and up at McCoy, Khan asks what he already knows. "How is he?"

The doctor only shakes his head. He doesn't need to say. "Khan, you know that when he wakes up, _if he wakes up_, some of the damage may be irreversible. I don't know that he'll be able to move." This didn't surprise Khan, but it hurt. He hadn't wanted to think about that. _How could Kirk be captain if he can't move?_ "I'm sorry, Khan. I'm doing everything I can."

"Is there anything I can do?" McCoy sighs and rests his hand on Khan's shoulder.

"Take care of yourself. That's all you can do right now. I know you care about him, and I know he cares about you, more than anything. Do you know how upset he'd be if he saw you like this? Keep sleeping, and keep eating. Just take care of yourself, alright?" McCoy smiles, but Khan can see how much this hurts him, too.

Once the doctor leaves, Khan turned back to Kirk and took his hand, feeling his cold skin. He smiled at his friend. Carefully, Khan leaned over and placed a soft kiss on Kirk's cheek, just as the captain had done to him whenever he was upset. It takes all his strength to pull away, because he wants to touch Kirk, wants to hold him close. Taking one last look at his friend, he turns and, even though it's difficult to leave, walks out of sickbay, all too aware that he may never see Kirk alive again.

•••

It was very early, but Khan found himself awake, even though all he wanted to do was continue sleeping. Kirk had always told him he was lucky for needing so little rest, but Khan was beginning to think otherwise. His mind was racing and he just couldn't make it stop. Why had Kirk affected him like this? Was he really so weak, so desperate for someone to care for? _Does it really matter anymore? _He quickly decided that it really doesn't.

He couldn't stand just waiting for Kirk to wake up or die. He couldn't lay here and think about it, about how helpless he was to save him. _It's time to see Jim again_, time for Khan to be reminded of why he remains alive. _What will I do when he's gone? _It was a reasonable question with an unreasonable answer. And Khan was scared, because something told him that it was no longer so much about whether Kirk will die or not, _but when_.

He sighs, trying not to start crying, then sits up. It takes him awhile to move any more. When he finally managed to get out of bed, he got dressed and brushed his hair back in the way Kirk had always said he liked. He missed having Kirk push his hair back into place when it fell infront of his eyes. He missed having someone who cares about him, and someone to care for.

It only took a few minutes to walk to sickbay. Not having the patience to wait for a doctor, Khan walked through to where he knew Kirk slept. Looking up at the bed, Khan felt his heart stop and his blood run cold. He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to. _This can't be real._

Kirk was gone.


End file.
